Don’t Push Yourself Too Far to Get Things Done. Or at All?
Why productivity tools aren't always a good idea in overcoming autistic executive dysfunction
A few years ago I worked with an autism coach to help me streamline my day and help me bridge the worst of my executive dysfunction. That was assuming that executive dysfunction is something that can be overcome by smart planning or something like that. I tried really hard to implement strategies that would help me kickstart the stalled engine that is my mind. Things like making a small list, having realistic expectations, starting with one thing so you get yourself going. And sure, these things work, as they would for anyone with procrastination issues.
I’m writing this as I am dealing with another wave of dysfunction in this very moment. I am supposed to do a small task for work, it’s really no more than answering three emails, but I am so terribly stuck. It made me recall the coaching tips, while at the same time realizing that it was absolutely counter productive. I was pushing myself over mental thresholds, punishing myself for my inability to do the simplest things. Two years into a severe autistic burnout, I now realize that this ‘problem solving attitude’ actually contributed to the problem, because I was basically looking for tools to override my body’s signals in order to stay productive and keep going. So confronted with the same bodily signals again, what do I do now? How do I do better? Preferably without getting stuck in a prolonged dysfunctional freeze, which is a real risk if I don’t actively try to re-animate myself right now. What is my body telling me? Why can I write this text, but I can’t write an email?
“Is it really so bad to put on my neurotypical mask for five minutes? The answer, unfortunately is yes.”
Checking in with the body… I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the social aspect of it, of having to fire up the social brain in order to know what’s appropriate to write. It also feels unsafe. I’m sitting at home in my comfortable bubble and firing up the social engine feels like I’m letting the world into my space and it immediately introduces anxiety. I know that on good days, I can handle that. On days like today, apparently I can’t. My body is resisting it like a child that puts their heels in the sand as they are being dragged from the playground. No that’s not right. Like a child that’s holding their arms over their face as someone’s hand is hovering over them for a slap. I don’t want it.
I guess the world hitting me in the face is an appropriate analogy here, and focussing on productivity tools is not taking this into account at all. It’s just three emails, I can do it in five minutes and be released from the gnawing feeling that there’s shit I need to get done. Is it really so bad, to put on my mask for five minutes? The answer, unfortunately is yes. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it feels abusive to be honest. Are we allowed to make something this small into such a heavy thing? Abusive, isn't that a bit much? Are we being gaslit by society into believing dysfunctional freeze cannot possibly be this bad so that it’s almost impossible to judge our own authentic feelings about it? I have completely lost the measuring scale that I need to identify what feels good and what feels bad. Does it feel bad pushing myself to do some work? I don’t even know! Let’s check in with the body… Yes it feels fucking bad. It feels like a panic, it feels like tightness in my chest. And yes I can dissociate and just do it. But should I?
“Where is the line between ‘not enjoy doing’ and self harm?”
As long as I keep to my own natural rhythm of life I’m fine. When I feel space within myself to do work, I will do it believe me. Am I strong enough to protect this space when life and obligation and deadlines come knocking? And they’re knocking all the time. It’s easy to say: well everybody has to do things they don’t particularly enjoy doing. But where is the line between ‘not enjoy doing’ and self harm? The other day a friend of mine said that it’s pretty snobby of me to say that I want to prioritize life over work. That shocked me, because I’m not talking about going out and having fun in stead of working. I’m talking about wanting to be in a place where doing work doesn’t harm me. Where doing work doesn’t mean being flushed with adrenalin that I’m going to have to recover from the rest of the day, meaning I might not be able to fix dinner tonight etcetera. Am I allowed to want that for myself? Or is that snobby. Jeez.
“To accuse someone who spent decades trying to keep up and fit in of not trying hard enough is absolutely bonkers”
To accuse someone who spent decades trying to keep up and fit in, knowing how much energy and perseverance it takes to pull that off even in the slightest and the price I had to pay for that, of not wanting to try hard enough to overcome their autistic limitations in the moment, is absolutely bonkers, and still I am particularly sensitive to this very thing. I look at myself and think: try fucking harder, it’s three emails, don’t be ridiculous. So I’ll tell myself something more compassionate this time: You are so strong, but you are not obliged to always be strong. You can do anything, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it at all cost. You have pushed yourself so hard, now use that determination to protect yourself. You are not lazy or a quitter, you are listening to your body, for the first time. A stupid email is not worth it. You don’t have to prove that you can do these tasks to know that you are able. In a way, for me, disability is a choice, the healthy choice, that I have to convince myself every day to make, to keep myself from choosing the path to self destruction because that’s what the world is constantly asking of me and in a way rewarding me for with accomplishment, social status, identity etcetera. It’s difficult enough to choose not to let that in for my own stupid selfish mental health.
So no, it’s not procrastination. I’m not able to work right now. I’ll try again later.
*I am in a fortunate position that I have the resources to experiment with how much I can work right now and that’s something that’s not available to everybody. For the longest time I also had no choice but to keep pushing. I have also been in the position where I could have made different choices but didn’t because that would include being dependent, losing a life I built, disappointing people etcetera. Sometimes you just rather suffer a bit longer than give up and confront yourself with your actual needs etcetera. I think it’s usually possible to start working on an exit plan one way or the other for a lifestyle that’s too hard, but I’d say don’t be too hard on yourself either if you’re not ready for that yet.